Toxic Traits
Manipulation
Manipulation involves controlling or influencing a partner in a deceptive or covert manner. It may include guilt-tripping, gaslighting (making someone doubt their perception of reality), or playing the victim to gain sympathy or avoid accountability. Manipulative behavior can erode trust and make one partner feel powerless.
Jealousy and Possessiveness
While it's natural to feel occasional jealousy, excessive or irrational jealousy can lead to possessiveness. This may manifest as trying to control a partner's actions, isolating them from friends or family, or monitoring their activities. It reflects insecurity and can stifle a partner's independence, causing tension and resentment.
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Constant Critisim
Constructive feedback is important, but when one partner frequently criticizes the other in a harsh or negative manner, it becomes toxic. Constant criticism can damage self-esteem, create a hostile environment, and foster a sense of inadequacy in the relationship.
Emotional Neglect
Emotional neglect involves ignoring a partner's emotional needs, dismissing their feelings, or being indifferent. Withholding affection, attention, or communication as a form of punishment is also toxic. This behavior can make a partner feel unvalued and unsupported.
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Lack of Accountability
Refusing to take responsibility for one's actions or blaming others for problems in the relationship is a toxic trait. A lack of accountability prevents personal growth and fuels ongoing conflict, as issues are not properly addressed or resolved.
Controlling Behaviour
Controlling behavior can involve dictating a partner's actions, choices, or even thoughts. It may include making decisions on their behalf, limiting their social interactions, or dictating how they should spend their time. Such behavior undermines a partner's autonomy and can lead to a power imbalance.
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How to deal with Toxic Traits
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Manipulation
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Recognize Manipulative Patterns: Take note of behaviors that seem aimed at influencing your emotions or actions unfairly. Understanding what manipulation looks like (e.g., gaslighting, guilt-tripping) is key.
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Set Boundaries: Clearly communicate what behaviors are unacceptable and establish boundaries. Let your partner know that you will not engage in conversations that involve manipulation.
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Seek Clarity: Ask direct questions to clarify statements and avoid accepting vague responses. This can help break down manipulative tactics and bring transparency to the conversation.
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Consider Counseling: If manipulation is a recurrent issue, individual or couples therapy can help address underlying problems. A therapist can provide strategies to identify and counter manipulation.
Jealousy and Possessiveness
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Communicate Your Feelings: Discuss how the behavior makes you feel and express your need for trust and independence in the relationship.
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Understand the Root Cause: Encourage your partner to explore why they feel jealous or possessive. It may stem from past experiences, insecurities, or unresolved issues.
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Establish Trust-Building Practices: Set agreements that build mutual trust, such as open communication about plans or social interactions, while still respecting each other’s privacy.
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Evaluate the Severity: If possessiveness leads to controlling or abusive behavior, it may be necessary to take a step back or seek professional help to assess the relationship's safety.
Constant Criticism
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Speak Up: Let your partner know how the constant criticism affects you. Use "I" statements (e.g., "I feel hurt when…") to avoid making them feel attacked.
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Encourage Constructive Feedback: Suggest a shift from criticism to constructive feedback. Frame issues in a way that focuses on finding solutions together rather than placing blame.
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Build Self-Worth Independently: Work on building your own self-esteem outside the relationship. This can help you resist internalizing negative feedback.
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Consider Counseling if Necessary: If criticism is persistent and harsh, couples counseling can help to explore deeper communication patterns and establish healthier ways of relating.
Emotional Neglect
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Express Your Needs: Share with your partner the specific emotional needs that are not being met and why they are important to you.
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Encourage Emotional Awareness: Suggest exercises that promote emotional intimacy, such as sharing daily highs and lows or engaging in activities that encourage bonding.
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Invest in Self-Care: While working on the relationship, ensure you're nurturing your own emotional well-being by spending time with friends, engaging in hobbies, or practicing mindfulness.
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Reassess If Neglect Persists: If your partner consistently refuses to meet your emotional needs, it might be time to consider whether the relationship is truly meeting your expectations and what changes, if any, need to be made..
Lack of Accountability
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Communicate the Importance of Accountability: Explain why taking responsibility is crucial for the health of the relationship and how it affects you when your partner doesn’t acknowledge their actions.
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Model Accountability: Be an example by owning your mistakes and showing how taking responsibility can strengthen the relationship.
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Suggest Setting Ground Rules for Conflict Resolution: Establish rules that include apologizing when wrong, reflecting on behaviors, and making amends.
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Avoid Playing the Blame Game: Focus on finding solutions rather than placing blame. If your partner feels attacked, they may be less willing to take responsibility.
Controlling Behaviour
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Identify Specific Controlling Behaviors: Point out behaviors that you find controlling and explain how they impact your freedom and individuality.
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Set Firm Boundaries: Be clear about what is acceptable and what is not. For instance, "I need the freedom to choose my friends without being questioned" can help establish your right to autonomy.
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Encourage Open Dialogue: Discuss the underlying fears or insecurities driving the controlling behavior and see if there’s a way to address them together.
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Assess for Safety: If controlling behavior escalates to threats or physical violence, seek help immediately. Your safety is a priority, and reaching out to a trusted friend, family member, or a professional organization may be necessary.
"A healthy relationship is one where two independent people just make a deal that they will help make the other person the best version of themselves."
Scenarios
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Manipulation
Situation: James tends to manipulate his girlfriend, Lucy, by using her past mistakes against her whenever they argue. For instance, if Lucy points out something James did wrong, he brings up an unrelated incident from years ago where Lucy was at fault, diverting the focus from his own behaviour.
How to Deal:
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Stay Focused on the Issue at Hand: Lucy should gently redirect the conversation back to the current issue, saying, “We’re talking about what happened today. Bringing up the past isn’t helpful for resolving this.”
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Set Boundaries Around Bringing Up Past Mistakes: Lucy could establish a rule that past incidents should not be used as leverage in current arguments, making it clear that the tactic is not acceptable.
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Seek Counseling if Needed: If James continues using manipulation as a deflection, couples therapy may be necessary to work through these patterns.
Jealousy and Possessiveness
Situation: Tom becomes jealous and possessive whenever his partner, Alex, goes out with friends. He often sends multiple texts asking where Alex is, who they’re with, and when they’ll be home. If Alex doesn’t respond quickly, Tom accuses them of not caring about the relationship.
How to Deal:
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Communicate Firmly About Boundaries: Alex can explain that they value their independence and trust needs to be present in the relationship. They might say, “I want you to trust me. Constantly checking up on me doesn’t make me feel trusted.”
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Discuss the Underlying Cause of Jealousy: Tom may need to examine where his feelings stem from and whether he’s projecting insecurities onto Alex.
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Suggest Time Together Outside of Social Obligations: To ease Tom's insecurities, Alex could propose setting aside specific time for them to connect and bond while still maintaining their individual social lives.
Constant Criticism
Situation: Anna frequently criticises her husband, John, for small things. She comments on how he folds the laundry, his choice of clothes, and even how he speaks to people. John feels like he can never do anything right and begins to withdraw emotionally from the relationship.
How to Deal:
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Communicate the Impact of Criticism: John could tell Anna, “When you criticise me often, it makes me feel unappreciated. I’d like us to focus more on what we both do well instead of pointing out flaws.”
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Encourage Positive Feedback: John can suggest that they both work on using constructive feedback rather than critical comments, aiming to make suggestions for improvement in a supportive way.
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Reinforce His Self-Worth: Outside of the relationship, John can build his self-esteem through hobbies, friendships, or work, so that Anna’s comments don’t have as much power over his sense of self-worth.
Emotional Neglect
Situation: Laura tends to give her boyfriend, Mike, the silent treatment whenever she’s upset. She shuts down and refuses to communicate for days, even when Mike tries to apologize or discuss the issue. This leaves Mike feeling isolated and confused about how to make things right.
How to Deal:
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Address the Issue Calmly and Directly: Mike could approach Laura when she’s more receptive and say, “I want us to work through problems together, but when you don’t talk to me, I don’t know how to fix things.”
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Suggest Healthier Communication Methods: Mike can propose that they agree not to let conflicts go unresolved for more than 24 hours, and commit to discussing problems openly.
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Invest in Self-Care While Setting Boundaries: If Laura continues to withhold affection, Mike should focus on his own emotional well-being while also making it clear that the silent treatment is not a productive way to handle conflicts.
Lack of Accountability
Situation: Rachel frequently avoids taking responsibility for her actions. If she forgets to pay a bill, she blames her boyfriend, Dave, for not reminding her. When they have an argument, she insists that Dave’s behavior “made her” act poorly, instead of admitting her own role in the conflict. She consistently shifts the blame onto others and refuses to acknowledge when she is wrong.
How to Deal:
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Address the Pattern of Blame Shifting: Dave could bring up the recurring issue by saying, “I’ve noticed that when something goes wrong, you often blame me or someone else, instead of taking responsibility. This makes it difficult for us to resolve problems and move forward.”
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Encourage Ownership of Actions: Dave can suggest that they both work on owning their behaviors, and discuss specific steps they can take to improve. For instance, “We should both try to own up to our mistakes and apologize. It will help us grow as a couple.”
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Model Accountability Himself: By acknowledging his mistakes openly and apologizing, Dave can demonstrate the benefits of taking responsibility. This might encourage Rachel to follow suit.
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Set Boundaries Around Blame Shifting: If Rachel continues to avoid accountability, Dave can establish boundaries, such as saying, “I’m not going to engage in this conversation if you’re unwilling to address your own role in the issue.”
Controlling Behaviour
Situation: Daniel tries to control what his girlfriend, Hannah, wears. He frequently tells her that certain outfits are “too revealing” and that she should dress more modestly if she respects him. Hannah feels like he’s trying to control her appearance rather than trusting her judgment.
How to Deal:
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Assert Boundaries About Personal Autonomy: Hannah can firmly state, “I choose my outfits based on what makes me feel comfortable and confident. I need you to trust me to make these decisions for myself.”
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Encourage Discussion About the Real Issue: Hannah could ask Daniel what’s really bothering him about her clothing choices. It may reveal deeper insecurities or trust issues that need addressing.
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Reassess the Relationship: If Daniel continues to try to control her choices despite clear boundaries, Hannah may need to evaluate if the relationship is healthy.
When to call it quits
When it comes to deciding whether to end a relationship, especially if it's exhibiting the toxic traits discussed above, the key is to evaluate whether the relationship is bringing more harm than good. If your well-being is at risk or if the relationship consistently feels draining and unhealthy despite repeated efforts to improve it, it might be time to consider ending it. Here’s some advice on when to call it quits and the best ways to leave a relationship
Repeated Patterns of Toxic Behaviour: If the toxic traits (manipulation, jealousy, emotional neglect, etc.) keep resurfacing despite multiple attempts to resolve them, it shows a lack of willingness to change on one or both sides. This indicates a deep-seated issue that isn't likely to improve and could continue causing harm.
Lack of Accountability and Growth: If your partner consistently avoids taking responsibility for their actions, and there’s no progress despite counseling, it suggests that they’re not committed to personal growth or changing the relationship dynamics. Without mutual accountability, the relationship will struggle to improve.
Emotional or Physical Abuse: If there’s any form of abuse—whether emotional, physical, or psychological—it's a clear sign to leave. No form of abuse is acceptable, and staying can seriously impact your safety and well-being.
Constant Feeling of Unhappiness or Anxiety: If you find yourself frequently unhappy, stressed, or anxious because of the relationship, it’s a sign that it’s negatively affecting your mental health. A healthy relationship should bring more joy than distress.
Repeated Violation of Boundaries: If you’ve set clear boundaries and your partner continuously violates them, it indicates a lack of respect for your needs. This can erode trust and leave you feeling disrespected and unheard.
Diminishing Self-Esteem and Self-Worth: If your partner’s behavior constantly makes you question your worth, feel inadequate, or lowers your self-esteem, it’s a red flag. A relationship should build you up, not break you down.
No Progress Despite Efforts: If you’ve tried various ways to improve the relationship (counseling, setting boundaries, open communication), but nothing seems to work, it’s a sign that the relationship might have run its course.
Ways to leave a relationship
Plan Ahead and Prioritise Safety
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If there are any concerns about safety, make a plan beforehand. This could involve confiding in a trusted friend or family member, having a safe place to stay, or even contacting local resources or shelters.
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For emotionally abusive relationships, consider telling a friend or family member about your decision before breaking up, so they can provide support.
Be Honest but Compassionate
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It’s important to communicate your feelings clearly without being harsh. For example, “I feel like we’ve tried to make this work, but the relationship isn’t healthy for me anymore. I think it’s best if we go our separate ways.”
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Avoid placing blame or rehashing old arguments. Focus on the reasons why the relationship isn’t working for you.
Choose the Right Time and Setting
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If safety is not a concern, having a face-to-face conversation is ideal. Choose a private, neutral place where both parties can feel comfortable, and make sure it’s a time when you won’t be interrupted or rushed.
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In cases where face-to-face interactions could escalate, breaking up over the phone or via a letter may be a safer option.
Set Firm Boundaries Post-Breakup
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Make it clear that the relationship is over and establish boundaries around communication. This may include limiting or avoiding contact for a while to allow both parties to heal.
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If necessary, block their number or social media accounts if they are not respecting your decision to end things.
Prepare for Mixed Emotions
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Ending a relationship can bring about feelings of guilt, sadness, relief, or even doubt. It’s normal to experience a range of emotions, but remind yourself why you made the decision.
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Surround yourself with a strong support system of friends, family, or a therapist who can help you process your feelings.
Focus on Self-Care and Healing
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Take time to reconnect with yourself after the breakup. Pursue hobbies, spend time with loved ones, and engage in activities that bring you joy.
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Consider therapy or counseling to help you process the breakup and rebuild your self-esteem if the relationship was particularly draining or damaging.
Avoid Reconciliation Attempts
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Once you’ve made the decision to leave, it’s crucial to avoid falling back into the relationship, especially if the toxic behaviors haven’t changed. It’s easy to romanticize the good times, but remember why you left.
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If your ex is making promises to change, assess whether these changes are genuine and long-term, and proceed with caution. If the issues were severe (e.g., abuse), it’s best to maintain distance.
Reflect and Learn
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Take time to reflect on what you’ve learned from the relationship. What were the red flags you might have overlooked? What boundaries will you set in future relationships?
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Use the experience to grow and develop a better understanding of what you need in a healthy partnership.
Final Thoughts
You deserve to be with someone who respects you
Ending a relationship is never easy, but staying in a toxic or unhealthy situation can be far more damaging in the long run. The best approach is to recognize when enough is enough and to exit with a plan that prioritizes your safety, mental health, and well-being. Always remember that a healthy relationship is based on mutual respect, growth, and love. If those elements are consistently missing, it’s okay to walk away.